Sometimes, I just get so frustrated with myself. I have all these talents, ideas and knowledge, but I have a severe difficulty trying to figure what to do with all of this shit.
I read something the other day about another blogger who said that he had always enjoyed writing, and he wanted to start a blog, and so he did. No one really read his blog until he began to write every day.
The more you do something, the better you become at it. Now, I'm not going to make a promise that I will write EVERY DAY, but I will try to write something every week, at least, until I feel like being more frequent.
I'm not setting my goal low. I just know that between my love for writing, creating clothing, jewelry and art, that I have other things, to which I would like to dedicate my time.
It's difficult, trying to find your way, when your mind is running a mile a minute (even when you do take your Adderall). For now, I will blog as if I am writing a journal. I want to look back at my posts a year or two from now and see my growth, reflect on my journey, and express gratitude for the everything I will have experienced.
I hope that, by writing this, it helps someone else and, if one of you who reads this can offer advice, encouragement and/or direction, I'm open to it!
Showing posts with label concentration. Show all posts
Showing posts with label concentration. Show all posts
Monday, February 8, 2016
Wednesday, November 5, 2014
ADHD: The Struggle Pt. 2
Almost 3 years ago, my son was diagnosed with ADHD. As he was going through the process of being diagnosed, we worked with doctors, school counselors and administrators to and answer a series of questions, related to his behaviors.
As we went through the process, I realized that many of the behaviors he exhibited were my behaviors as well. From this realization, I decided that I, too, needed to be evaluated, and so I also went through the process and discovered that I was also ADHD.
Many people do not believe that ADHD is real, but I am here to tell you that it certainly is. As a young child, I was a "good student" academically, but my citizenship and conduct was never in-line.
I specifically recall wanting to be a safety patrol when I was in the 5th grade. In order to become a patrol, you had to have all A's and at least an "S" (for Satisfactory) in citizenship and conduct. I worked hard, the first grading period, in order to attain all A's, but I got an "N" (Needs Improvement), instead. My heart was broken. I felt discouraged, and gave up. I never again earned all A's and decided that I just couldn't do it.
It's very frustrating because, as an adult, many of the "issues" I had as a child carried on into my adult life. Every job I have had, it seemed as though I had an iconoclastic personality. It wasn't that. I don't have a problem with authority.
ADHD causes one to question things that seem to not be "right". It's sort of like having OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). Any time that I notice a "mistake", it has to be "fixed" or pointed out, and if it isn't, it drives me nuts. I hate feeling like that. I truly wish that I can see or hear things that are not "right" and keep going about my business but I find it difficult to do so.
Whatever comes up in our minds, it seems that it HAS to come out. This often leads to offending and/or hurting others' feelings. We don't mean to. We just "call it how we see it". Some people love us for it and others despise us because we seems to always be "running our mouths", recklessly.
I was prescribed Adderall almost 3 years ago, and it has helped me immensely, however, there was a lapse in my medical coverage earlier this year, and I have not been taking my meds regularly. I definitely feel a difference. My thoughts are erratic. I'm impulsive with my actions and words and I find it more easy to become depressed. It sucks.
Many do not consider ADHD as a mental disorder, but it is. I hate not being able to focus and when the plights of depression arise, I find it difficult to become and stay motivated.
I'm sharing all of this information because we often see people with physical disabilities and can sympathize with them, almost instantly, but when a person has a mental disability, it's less apparent.
We're called "crazy", we're not. We need support and encouragement, just like anyone else. I love the positive and productive person that I am when I am taking my medication. I feel "safe" and my thoughts are more clear. I would love to find an alternative treatment, but I haven't yet.
Practicing yoga and meditating have helped, but without my meds, I find it difficult to even do that. I hope and pray that what I need is given to me, so that I can get back on track and be the person that I was becoming.
I like her.
Sunday, August 12, 2012
A.D.H.D... Strugglin'!
Whenever you hear that someone has a disability, normally, the first thing that pops into your mind is someone with a physical disability who walks with a limp or uses a wheelchair to get around. There are other "invisible" disabilities people have that are mental or emotional like. Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder (ADD), Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD), bi-polarism, schizophrenia, Generalized Anxiety Disorder... The list goes on.
When my son began kindergarten 8 years ago, I often received notes and phone calls from his teacher, assistant principal and guidance counselor, telling me things like "He can't keep still... He blurts out the answers to the questions... He always wants to be first... He's constantly fiddling with something... He won't stay on his square on the carpet." I thought that he was having trouble adjusting to the structured environment of school, since he'd never gone to daycare or pre-school. These calls and notes were very frequent. For the next 5 years, his subsequent teachers would have the same complaints/concerns until, one day, the guidance counselor suggested that they conduct a study on him where myself and his teacher at the time had to fill out a lengthy questionnaire about his behavioral habits. A school psychologist sat in class and observed him for about 6 weeks. Finally, we had a meeting and they told me what I had suspected they would: My son most likely has A.D.H.D.
I hated hearing that. I felt like he was being stigmatized. I felt that he was just "being a boy". I didn't want to medicate him. I spoke with his father, some other family and close friends, as well as a coworker who, surprisingly, informed me that her son had also gone through the same thing and she had felt the way I did. She said she was dead-set against medicating him, but she decided to try it, at least. She did and she noticed that his grades improved and he was much more focused. The only downside was that the meds suppressed his appetite, so she had to make sure he was eating.
I decided to try it. I mean, what if this was what was keeping him from reaching his highest potential? He had been participating in sports and music classes at school, which I had read are a big help, but his involvement in those activities just wasn't enough, so I decided to try it. Within weeks, I and his teachers noticed a dramatic difference. He was more focused in class, didn't yell out answers or talk out of turn. I thought, 'Hey; this isn't so bad after all. Then I had a revelation: I, too, could possibly have this disability, so I decided to see a psychiatrist.
I went to the psychiatrist and he asked me several questions about my health, family, behavioral habits, etc... It took about 45 minutes. Once he was finished, he confirmed that I, too, had A.D.H.D.
It's crazy because most of my personality has been based upon this condition. People know me for my tendency to say whatever is on my mind and although it may be true, it's usually quite curt and blunt and tends to hurt others' feelings. Most times, I wouldn't even be bothered if I hurt someone. After all, "I was just being honest." People like to hang out with me because I'm fun, and I will talk to anybody. I think that, too, is attributed to A.D.H.D. At work, I was always walking around, socializing with people. My work would always be done quickly and efficiently, but there was just "something" about the whole being-constricted-to-a-chair-and-cubicle thing that made me want to explode. I have to ALWAYS be doing something. Even when I am sitting still, my mind is going a million miles a minute. I hate it, because either I can't concentrate on something long enough to complete it or I OVER focus on one thing and have trouble moving on to something else. I just HAVE to finish it, or it will drive me absolutely nuts!!!
It really sucks because, for the most part, I have always been a valuable employee. I learn quickly, am efficient, love to help others be better at their jobs and I am always willing (and wanting) to learn something new. The only thing is that I have had an issue when I feel that something is wrong, I speak up about it. Whether it's the way things are done or the way others are (mis)treated. That's never been the issue. The issue is how I've expressed my concerns. If the other person wasn't receptive to my concerns, it heated me up and I had trouble letting go.
Since I started taking medication, I am more focused. I stay in my seat much more at work. Situations that would have previously gotten me "riled up" don't affect me the same way. It's crazy; I hear the thoughts in my mind and I even still want to respond a certain way; I just don't feel compelled to, and it has helped me immensely. The only thing is that, had I tuned into myself earlier in life, it would have saved me a lot of heartache. I would've gotten promoted. I wouldn't have hurt others' feelings. I would not have taken a small situation and turned it into a fiasco. I wouldn't have killed my son's first pet--- a beta fish. Yeah; I admit. I did, but I couldn't help it. When my son was a little less than 18 months, he'd waken up in the middle of the night, asking for milk, so I got up, got him a cup of milk and I fed the fish while I was downstairs. When I woke up the next morning to get his diaper bag ready to take him to my parents' house, I opened the fridge door and saw the beta, belly-side up, inside the refrigerator. Then, I noticed that the milk was on the counter... SMH. I couldn't believe I'd done that. Just last week, I came home on Wednesday and my sister asked me if I'd put the bag of cherries in the cabinet. I thought, "What the hell kinda question is that???" I went in the kitchen, and there were fruit flies swarming around the cabinet. I opened it, and damn if I didn't see a half bag of $1.99-per-pound bag of bing cherries in the cabinet. ****!!! I HATE when I do that... I had gone in the cabinet a whole two days earlier to get a sandwich bag to put a few cherries in it to snack on at work. I must have put the cherries in the cabinet then. I obviously hadn't taken my medications yet that morning... Oh well, maybe, I will start taking it as soon as I wake up to prevent such incidents.
When my son began kindergarten 8 years ago, I often received notes and phone calls from his teacher, assistant principal and guidance counselor, telling me things like "He can't keep still... He blurts out the answers to the questions... He always wants to be first... He's constantly fiddling with something... He won't stay on his square on the carpet." I thought that he was having trouble adjusting to the structured environment of school, since he'd never gone to daycare or pre-school. These calls and notes were very frequent. For the next 5 years, his subsequent teachers would have the same complaints/concerns until, one day, the guidance counselor suggested that they conduct a study on him where myself and his teacher at the time had to fill out a lengthy questionnaire about his behavioral habits. A school psychologist sat in class and observed him for about 6 weeks. Finally, we had a meeting and they told me what I had suspected they would: My son most likely has A.D.H.D.
I hated hearing that. I felt like he was being stigmatized. I felt that he was just "being a boy". I didn't want to medicate him. I spoke with his father, some other family and close friends, as well as a coworker who, surprisingly, informed me that her son had also gone through the same thing and she had felt the way I did. She said she was dead-set against medicating him, but she decided to try it, at least. She did and she noticed that his grades improved and he was much more focused. The only downside was that the meds suppressed his appetite, so she had to make sure he was eating.
I decided to try it. I mean, what if this was what was keeping him from reaching his highest potential? He had been participating in sports and music classes at school, which I had read are a big help, but his involvement in those activities just wasn't enough, so I decided to try it. Within weeks, I and his teachers noticed a dramatic difference. He was more focused in class, didn't yell out answers or talk out of turn. I thought, 'Hey; this isn't so bad after all. Then I had a revelation: I, too, could possibly have this disability, so I decided to see a psychiatrist.
I went to the psychiatrist and he asked me several questions about my health, family, behavioral habits, etc... It took about 45 minutes. Once he was finished, he confirmed that I, too, had A.D.H.D.
It's crazy because most of my personality has been based upon this condition. People know me for my tendency to say whatever is on my mind and although it may be true, it's usually quite curt and blunt and tends to hurt others' feelings. Most times, I wouldn't even be bothered if I hurt someone. After all, "I was just being honest." People like to hang out with me because I'm fun, and I will talk to anybody. I think that, too, is attributed to A.D.H.D. At work, I was always walking around, socializing with people. My work would always be done quickly and efficiently, but there was just "something" about the whole being-constricted-to-a-chair-and-cubicle thing that made me want to explode. I have to ALWAYS be doing something. Even when I am sitting still, my mind is going a million miles a minute. I hate it, because either I can't concentrate on something long enough to complete it or I OVER focus on one thing and have trouble moving on to something else. I just HAVE to finish it, or it will drive me absolutely nuts!!!
It really sucks because, for the most part, I have always been a valuable employee. I learn quickly, am efficient, love to help others be better at their jobs and I am always willing (and wanting) to learn something new. The only thing is that I have had an issue when I feel that something is wrong, I speak up about it. Whether it's the way things are done or the way others are (mis)treated. That's never been the issue. The issue is how I've expressed my concerns. If the other person wasn't receptive to my concerns, it heated me up and I had trouble letting go.
Since I started taking medication, I am more focused. I stay in my seat much more at work. Situations that would have previously gotten me "riled up" don't affect me the same way. It's crazy; I hear the thoughts in my mind and I even still want to respond a certain way; I just don't feel compelled to, and it has helped me immensely. The only thing is that, had I tuned into myself earlier in life, it would have saved me a lot of heartache. I would've gotten promoted. I wouldn't have hurt others' feelings. I would not have taken a small situation and turned it into a fiasco. I wouldn't have killed my son's first pet--- a beta fish. Yeah; I admit. I did, but I couldn't help it. When my son was a little less than 18 months, he'd waken up in the middle of the night, asking for milk, so I got up, got him a cup of milk and I fed the fish while I was downstairs. When I woke up the next morning to get his diaper bag ready to take him to my parents' house, I opened the fridge door and saw the beta, belly-side up, inside the refrigerator. Then, I noticed that the milk was on the counter... SMH. I couldn't believe I'd done that. Just last week, I came home on Wednesday and my sister asked me if I'd put the bag of cherries in the cabinet. I thought, "What the hell kinda question is that???" I went in the kitchen, and there were fruit flies swarming around the cabinet. I opened it, and damn if I didn't see a half bag of $1.99-per-pound bag of bing cherries in the cabinet. ****!!! I HATE when I do that... I had gone in the cabinet a whole two days earlier to get a sandwich bag to put a few cherries in it to snack on at work. I must have put the cherries in the cabinet then. I obviously hadn't taken my medications yet that morning... Oh well, maybe, I will start taking it as soon as I wake up to prevent such incidents.
If you think you may have A.D.D. or A.D.H.D., there are a plethora of tools to use to determine the possibility. Then, see a doctor. You could start to gain control of your life as a result.
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